Fear for fashion designing continued

THE PROBLEM NOW
1. I am a perfectionist
2. I am a pessimist
3. I am a lazy bone female

PERFECTIONIST:
I hate this trait of mine. Now, I have learnt some basics in sewing I still feel I am lagging behind because I am still a learner.  I make it too hard for me because I spend my time comparing what I have done with others and forget that they have probably been in the business for a while. I practice, practice,  practice hating my self for not being able to get everything neat and nice. I just feel I'm not creative as other couturiers I've seen. I spend all day looking at pictures and wondering when I would ever get to the level of creativity and perfection of these couturiers.  In fact perfection is now my obsession for sewing.
PESSIMIST:
This has been me for so long.
After I have probably stalked my fashion designer role models I get into a sick dialogue with myself about how I can never be good as they are because I am not as creative as they can ever be. That I would never be able to be anywhere except in their shadows. I tend to believe there are better and more talented people and I won't excel in the field.
LAZY BONE FEMALE:
oh no! This is an extensive area. I am lazy! Stressless and relaxed. It makes me wonder what I'm doing with such a passion as FASHION DESIGN.  I hate to correct mistakes when sewing which ends up in more mistakes! I hate to mend clothes. I hate when a project is tending to be difficult.  I hate to run from my machine to the ironing table (I hate ironing). I give up on a tough task when sewing.
  How would I ever be a good fashion designer if I hate this crucial things. I love the thrill of cutting, sewing and having my work done but I hate the hurdles bit nothing good comes easily.
CONCLUSION:
I wonder if other couturiers or dressmakers go through this because it feels like it is just me. I want to learn more, be good, enjoy my passion but it seems like all those mentioned are conflicting, clashing. I can't be a PERFECTIONIST AND A LAZY BONE FEMALE. I want to get it right because all I want is to live the rest of my life making dresses for a living, for pleasure, for my happiness!

Fear of fashion designing

These pictures don't belong to me.just a representation of what I used to do

At this time of my life I never thought I'd be so obsessed at looking at dresses and imagining how the couturier got it down so exquisitely.
I know when I was younger I loved pulling off the original clothing of my dolls to make some horrifying, terrific clothes for them. I'd  use anything from old socks, rags, unused fabrics, papers and all manner of things! I even made sure to have a bag for their clothes (I had lots of dolls).
DOWN THE PATH OF MEMORY LANE
I remember my first twitch for my love for sewing... I had made some terrifying designs as usual making sure my doll 'melody' wore it. But my mother's friend was quite disappointed and impressed altogether which moved her to get on her sewing machine to sew my doll a BEAUTIFUL DRESS!
I was so excited which kept me dazed thinking and pondering about how she sewed it so perfectly (to melody's size and fitting). Thinking I had better plans I tore the gown to make a top and skirt for 'melody'.
That isn't all. I always drew a lot of girls with fancy clothes, stylish shoes, and damn classic hair (mo
Ire like dangerous scribblings). And at that time the insane drawings were perfect to my friends, parents and tutors for a seven year old.
        I met a girl 'comfort' who loved to sew and always she would sew for my dolls, share with me all her drawings which made her become my friend.
Well, the whole exchange ended when she stopped talking to me because I didn't greet her once. It wasn't the end of the world. Of course I did miss her weekly supplies but I moved on. Seriously, till date I really still can't understand what the craze for dolls and their clothes was because I once stole doll clothes from a neighbor just for MY DOLLS... well I got caught (hehehe)
I don't know burnt somehow it didn't end my doll career and I kept getting more as I grew older.
Out of the blues my cousin 'Eunice'  thought me how to crochet a hand bag and it turned out to be a socks- gave me the idea to leave it for my doll (at this time I was nine).
I got pretty interested in crocheting and I did lots and lots of uncountable clothing's for my favourite dollie "CANDY"
I always went with a whole set from hat, hair bubbles, blouse, skirts, trousers, socks, handbags. My mom had been so impressed! And I of all was most impressed since this time the clothes were actually beautiful not poorly stitched pieces with threads hanging out.
Even at fourteen I stitched and crocheted clothes for my dolls. And at this age of my life my mom wasn't exactly so impressed anymore because I was... I mean I was was waaayyy too old for that.
      And what about the drawings... definitely it didn't stop. I had new drawing books every term in middle and high school to draw all my designs (at that time wasn't much of designs).
Somewhere inside of me I knew I wanted fashion design but somehow I felt it wasn't for me.
SWITCH TO A YEAR AGO....
I mean, i never thought I'd ever learn how to sew because  i heard it was some really tough stuff that involved mathematics (I'm a sicker at figures)
But I guess anyways,  I'm stuck with it now for the rest of my life.
It had been one long holiday; one that I had no plans whatsoever.  And that was how it came, my dad just sat down, thought about it and came up with the idea that I go learn how to sew.
I was thrilled at first...then became intrigued and became wildly interested
So! I signed up and started work! I put all my effort, my zeal and passion. A month later, even to my disbelief and to the disbelief of others I had started doing really heavy projects
I'd never forget when I showed my dad one skirt I made and he carried it up, looked at it then at me with a priceless smile and said "you this girl... I knew you would make me so proud. "
It was the best moment of my life. My mom on the other hand had stopped what she was doing and hugged me.
Why am I writing all this? Becaouse I want to remind my self that it has been a sequence all along...


THE PROBLEM NOW!!!
I would talk about this next weekend
To be continued